Dissention

There was dissention among the ranks. The usual chatting above me was replaced by louder and sharper sounds. Wings were not tightly tucked around bodies. They were neither in nor out, or they were in use circling the tree, hoping that the disturbance would subside and that they could go back to their morning ritual of tucking in for a good long sleep until signs of evening awoke them from their slumber.

I’m not sure if bats get annoyed but that’s sure what it sounded like. I wasn’t in any better frame of mind myself. Usually, an early morning walk helps to clear the cobwebs, gives me some peace and readies me for the day ahead. This particular morning, that wasn’t exactly the case. I actually left home quite calm. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have ventured out. I might have ended up in a better mood!

It started with the weather. One hundred percent cloud cover, giving a closed in feeling. Trapped perhaps. I was no more than one hundred metres from my door when I felt a fine mist on my face. Tuning in to Grumpy FM. I decided to press on as this was my only opportunity to get out for a walk that day. Possibly my only opportunity to get outside, apart from walking a short distance to and from my car as I went to work and Japanese.

I realised when I was quite a distance from home that I was equal parts tired and cranky. Right royal cheesed off actually. ‘Only be upset if you think you deserve to be.’ The words of a much loved high school teacher echoed through my brain. Followed shortly by, ‘Is it in your control?’ Words from another trusted source of wisdom. By now, I wasn’t just thinking or reflecting on the weather.

Are these two questions the same, only phrased differently? Or are they linked in some way? When I think about it, a lot of what happens to us, is fairly and squarely not in our control and I’m not trying to pass the blame onto someone else. It just isn’t. Research suggests that on any given day, we make around 30 000 decisions and when there are as many people in the world as there are (Approximately 8 billion – although perhaps not all capable of making decisions) interacting with one another and each making that many decisions, it stands to reason that we are not in control of what happens in everything we do. Whether we like it or not, we are in community with others and so the decisions of others affect what happens to us. What we do have control of, is how we respond. That’s a choice we have. And perhaps where the wisdom of my high school teacher comes in – ‘ Only be upset if you think you deserve to be.’

I look at this a couple of ways. Firstly, what part have I played? By this I mean, have I treated this situation or the person in front of me with loving kindness and respect? Have I done the best that I can? If I can honestly say that I have, then perhaps my disharmony is justified. Secondly, if the situation is completely beyond my control then I may still have the right to be annoyed if it goes against what I firmly believe as being right and just. Either way I can respond appropriately. I try ever so hard to believe that everyone is doing the best they can, with the knowledge that they have at the time and when I look at life from this perspective then the situation can lose some of its sting. Of course, that isn’t always how I respond and it can take some time (read days, weeks, months or even years!) to get to that place.

When I conclude that the situation is beyond my control, I need to return to what I know I have shared here before. Thinking about what can I do, rather than what I can’t. When I jump on the negative hamster wheel, I only end up getting more and more annoyed, which makes me miserable. When perhaps, I could use my annoyance to think about what can I do to maybe not change the situation (or maybe I could have some influence to do this), but to move forward. That moving forward might mean, I can walk away knowing I’ve done the best that I can. It might mean speaking up for others if what has happened is too late to change for me or it might mean, having a difficult conversation with someone alerting them to what it has been like for me.

This very idea of doing what we can, not what we can’t was raised in a Zoom meeting I attended this week. One way this reframing can find its place is through what was termed as finding a subversive way to rebel. A way in which we can quietly make change in our own situations, that goes against the original decision or situation. This might lead to bringing others along for the ride and on big issues of injustice or disparity this I believe is what we want. In this way, we’re not making a big song and dance about things, although at times that’s really what you want to do, but quietly gathering ground swell to instigate change, which in turn brings a certain kind of peace. Who knows where this may lead?

This is a challenging concept and one I have been faced with from a few different angles this week. It’s not easy. It takes time, oh so much time and it takes energy – somedays more than I think I’ve got! I’m still swinging on the how and will probably be for a while, but I think it’s a better way to deal with things than circling around the tree, hoping that the situation will rectify itself if I bury my head in my wings, because we know that doesn’t happen. The words attributed to Albert Einstein come to mind. “Insanity is doing the dame thing over and over again, expecting different results.” And I don’t want to claim insanity.

And there’s prayer. Something, I’d like to think I’m better at than I am, but that’s another story. It’s a way to ask for guidance, strength and help during those times of tiredness, crankiness and annoyance, when you’re about to take flight from the tree, before coming back to the same situation. Here’s an excerpt of one that spoke to me: